tequila

Me and tequila have a love/hate relationship. Last night it was a mix of both, although I drank a lot of vodka and jack daniels and tequila, I was not sick, but I do not remember anything. I pulled my best friend's cousin though for a good twenty minutes apparently. Tad embarrassing. And the guy told me my ex was looking very jealous which I thought was stupid since he was pulling other girls anyway? haha
I smoked and enjoyed myself and got drunk but I had fun because I was with my friends, I wish I could remember what I actually did though.
Recently my best friend has been making silly comments a lot, about how heavy I am or how certain girls are skinnier than me even though she knows I have issue's with that and get therapy for it. And she called me a horrible girlfriend today and how mean I was even though me and matthew know we were so dysfunctional haha, and she really made me feel terrible about myself. But if I say to her, she finds it stupid that I would be insulted. I am very confused as to what I should do.

butterflies or elephants

I cannot write anywhere about how I feel so I have adopted this blog again rather than my tumblr.

The past few days have been literal hell. On Saturday night I ended up walking out of my house at about eleven and walking the long way to tesco which was rather nice but also nerve racking I guess, more for the fact I didn't wanna be caught. I turned my phone off and ended up getting picked up by my friends parent whose house I stayed at. I just completely broke, but I love her family because they are so accepting and she's had trouble too so they understand everything, they treat me like im one of them and it's nice.
I nearly self harmed which was tough and i'm struggling with that quite badly this week, but i'm hoping it will go away. 
Then, to top it off, my anxiety has hit it's mark and I physically cannot leave my house. I went into school yesterday morning, broke down crying and walked out before it even hit quarter to nine. I haven't left my house since then. I don't want too, I keep getting panic attacks and scratching my skin and I'm surviving on coffee which doesn't help my heart rate. But I'm so cold and I'm wearing pajamas, a onesie over that, sitting in front of the fire AND I have a hot water bottle. Like how cold can you get? haha.
I'm going to have to go into school tomorrow and I don't think I can explain how anxious that makes me feel, how the anxiety is affecting me right now, I think I'll collapse or something tomorrow haha. 
I feel like giving up entirely, medication hasn't been offered because of my suicide attempt and I'm not 18, nobody seems to care and my friends think i exaggerate everything and just because the teachers know, they think I get advantages and my life is easier. I'm only 16 and I'm having to deal with way too much, more than I can deal with.
I'm trying so hard, but I can't really handle this. 
I need cigarettes too and I don't have anyone who will buy them for me which sucks, I need them so bad to help me through Saturday night because they do help.
Bleugh.

life

The past few days have been extremely hard.
It's difficult to see anything good and I'm very vulnerable and very very suicidal again. I keep worrying i'll do something stupid again. 
I can't believe I ever overdosed.. is that a suicide attempt? Is that what it's called? That kind of kills me haha.
I don't think of myself as weak, honestly, I'd think it strength. I haven't self harmed since July  4th, yeah I'm getting quite bad with food again but I haven't self harmed and I hope I can last a year, I'm tearing up just realising how long it's been. Nobody really gets how far I've come. I may be assigned a nurse in CAMHS to keep an eye on my weight or something, it's silly but I'm humoring them.
Staying at Hannah's tonight with Jemma and it'll be fun. Plus I'm going to the movies and to get pizza with Niamh and Heather (her momma) tomorrow night. That's something worth looking forward too
Hopefully this little blip will pass soon. I'm pretty tired, tired of feeling numb, feeling anxious and stuff is horrible but it's better than feeling nothing at all

feelings

I can barely do anything because of my anxiety and I'm dreading going into school tomorrow for P.A so much, I have to get a doctors appointment to talk about medication and get tests to check for long term damage and this is hell

When a Christian mentions Hell to me again, I'm going to ask them how they know this isn't the Hell the Bible speaks about and humanity is the Devil

I'm an atheist but whatever, I can ask them that because how do they know it isn't

I'm listening to Taylor Swift, all of her songs and I'm listening to Fearless and it just reminds me of summer, I used to listen to it everyday because it grasped how I felt perfectly and although the way I feel now, even though we broke up 5 months ago, it's horrific, but even though I feel like this, I would do it all again because I was so happy with him

I just didn't appreciate it

I better feel that way again and I'll do it so much better

2013

I wanted to start off 2013 different to 2012, and for this year to be positive.

It didn't work

On Sunday night I ended up in hospital after taking an overdose which i'm still recovering from and my anxiety is a million time's worse plus I jhave to go for more blood tests next week to check out long term damage
It's scary, how much I don't care and the excuses I use, I just wanted to sleep, I wasn't thinking, I didn't want to kill myself.. I did though, I didn't care in that brief few seconds it took me to find the co-codamol (it was a stupid mistake though I wouldn't repeat it)
I hate this, I hate this feeling and I hate the anxiety most of all, It's the most horrendous feeling ever, I'd never wish it on anyone

I'm trying to be positive, I told my ex to fuck off basically and I'm trying to move on with my life which is hard when i'm so vulnerable and suffering with all these silly depression things

I need tea