butterflies or elephants

I cannot write anywhere about how I feel so I have adopted this blog again rather than my tumblr.

The past few days have been literal hell. On Saturday night I ended up walking out of my house at about eleven and walking the long way to tesco which was rather nice but also nerve racking I guess, more for the fact I didn't wanna be caught. I turned my phone off and ended up getting picked up by my friends parent whose house I stayed at. I just completely broke, but I love her family because they are so accepting and she's had trouble too so they understand everything, they treat me like im one of them and it's nice.
I nearly self harmed which was tough and i'm struggling with that quite badly this week, but i'm hoping it will go away. 
Then, to top it off, my anxiety has hit it's mark and I physically cannot leave my house. I went into school yesterday morning, broke down crying and walked out before it even hit quarter to nine. I haven't left my house since then. I don't want too, I keep getting panic attacks and scratching my skin and I'm surviving on coffee which doesn't help my heart rate. But I'm so cold and I'm wearing pajamas, a onesie over that, sitting in front of the fire AND I have a hot water bottle. Like how cold can you get? haha.
I'm going to have to go into school tomorrow and I don't think I can explain how anxious that makes me feel, how the anxiety is affecting me right now, I think I'll collapse or something tomorrow haha. 
I feel like giving up entirely, medication hasn't been offered because of my suicide attempt and I'm not 18, nobody seems to care and my friends think i exaggerate everything and just because the teachers know, they think I get advantages and my life is easier. I'm only 16 and I'm having to deal with way too much, more than I can deal with.
I'm trying so hard, but I can't really handle this. 
I need cigarettes too and I don't have anyone who will buy them for me which sucks, I need them so bad to help me through Saturday night because they do help.
Bleugh.